Friday, August 17, 2018

Family Betrayal

I will resume my advocacy work through this blog just like when I started my healing journey 23 years ago. I still remember the very first time that I decided to break the silence on the internet. I spent many hours crying while writing my first blogger post. A post that hurts me today as much as the post that I’m writing now. However, even though I was angry and pained by the molestation of my grandmother and the sexual abuse of my father my intentions were never to hurt anyone. My intentions was to create a safe space for me to heal and to find other survivors that like myself had been sexually abused by family members. My intentions were also to spread awareness about incest, sexual abuse and human trafficking by sharing my own story. It wasn’t like these two confused and hurting souls that have intentionally chosen to attack me on Facebook for the few past days. I have been attacked by my own flesh and blood. These attacks have awakened painful emotions and triggers which has led me to return to writing blogs to protect myself. I also want to protect the survivor community from this damaging and negative behavior and to move away from the malice and the evilness that is intended to hurt and destroy me. 

I have acknowledged that I wasn’t an award winning parent but I wasn’t the worse in the world. I made a lot of mistakes because I didn’t have a normal childhood. I didn’t have the tools or the knowledge, especially at 15 years old. I was confused, I was scared and I was hurting really bad. You can’t have a normal thinking process if you haven't had a normal family environment. In my case I had prolonged child abuse and sexual abuse throughout my whole childhood. Human beings form psychological associations and models of the world through their experiences with parents. I didn’t have those wonderful experiences, I didn’t have role models instead I had monsters and abusers. I’m not justifying my emotional and physical abandonment from my children. I’m just educating from a clinical and psychological point of view. Most people who are abused don’t have good interpersonal skills or the ability to establish normal relationships even with their own children. I didn’t turn into a sexual abuser, but I dissociated myself completely from my children plus I had to work and pay the bills. But through their eyes they saw abandonment, through their eyes they saw emotional abuse because I was the only one who corrected them when they would do things wrong because I was a single parent. And through their ears they heard evilness said against me by one of my abusers my mother. I can’t change the past or my wrongdoings. But I’ve asked and begged for forgiveness since 2010. I have helped them in their own challenges with drugs, relationships problems, homelessness and I have tried to make amends with them but they still insist on hurting me. I’ve been assaulted physically by one of my children in the past. But this assault to my integrity and this betrayal is the worst pain that I have felt in my life. 

Now I’m back in the healing mode trying to heal this new wound and this new betrayal. I hope that some day these panic attacks, these horrific thoughts and the unstoppable crying will finally cease and I can be of good service to others again.

Please be patient with me while I regain the strength to move forward. This situation has totally turned my life around but I hope that some day I regain the strength and the trust in the world again.

Cecibel Contreras

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1 comment:

  1. Love you Cecibel, Take all the time you need to heal


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